Saying Your Name.

Scotty,

It’s nice to just say your name.
.
After two years, the expectation is for me to slide your name into a photo album, tuck it on a shelf in between the baby books, and not take it out again until my guests have left. Until I’m an old woman, riddled with dementia, rocking in my chair. With grand kids asking, “Who is Grandma talking about?”, it will be ok to say your name then.
.
But to use it now, for some, is like using a curse word.
.
Two years ago, a faceless demon reached its arm through a sunlit sky, plucked me from my happy, delusional life, and by the wrist, threw me like a fidget spinner into treacherous waters. Bobbing in the ocean, I didn’t have time to cry. I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I had to save those emotions for when I built a stable enough boat. Gathering our children (who were flung into these waters too), keeping my head above water, I had to build myself a fucking boat, while on the verge of drowning.
.
And it’s occurred to me that I must have something built now…
Because all I can do is finally cry.
.
You loved to talk about our second date when I told you, “It’s not where you’re at, but who you’re with.” Well, I’m sitting in this boat, Scott, and I’m looking for you.
.
I would have lost myself in the ocean to be with you. I would have struggled through every horrific thing this world has. With you.
.
Instead, I’m doing it FOR you.
In your honor.
Alone.
.
Navigating in solitude,
I’ve seen ugliness.
And I thank you for shielding me from the monsters.
I’ve made hard decisions.
And I thank you for always being my partner.
I’ve experienced others’ selfishness.
And I thank you for valuing me in a world of users.
.
To spend 12 years building something, in a world that only knows how to destroy things, I refuse to let this destroy what you and I started. I will row on with this disfigured heart of mine. I will find our family an island, and I will say your name to everyone there.
.
Scott Lawrence Bajorek – you made me so proud, and I don’t care who it intimidates. I will never be quiet about that. In fact, I think I’ll paint it on this boat.
.
.
I love you.
-Me