What I Wish I Would’ve Known When 1st Becoming Widowed…

To the girl who was married at 22 and widowed at 31:

I forgive you.

◾️Strangers will seek you out. Some of them will cling to you, asking you not leave them lonely. They will want you to sit in misery with them because “now you understand that life isn’t fair”, like they’ve always “known”.

◾️Some of those closest to you will either turn their backs because their own pain is too hard to manage, or they will project their own hopelessness onto you.

“How will you ever get through this?”

“You will never have love like that again”

◾️Others will prey on you and your trusting, naive heart. 🚬

▫️Some… will stay. And they will show you more kindness than you’ve ever known. A type of giving that’s so beyond abundant… You HAVE to thank God.

And you will. Every day. After every beat down. Again and again. You will get up & choose hope, trust, and gratitude.

To the girl who married her 1st boyfriend & lost him over the phone, the one who had entire years of memories blown from her brain, has PTSD flashbacks; the one who went through an excruciating court case that physically aged her in a week’s time… the one who was verbally and physically abused by lovers; the one who went through the sickness of her children, alone, medical procedures, alone, the death of 3 grandparents and a close friend, alone…

I wish you knew that everything that you ever needed was in you, not other’s words, not in accolades or alcohol. You. 💥

For what it’s worth though, I forgive you.

And I love you 💕

Photo credit: c.2017 Six months in, wondering if it’s ok to dress sexy. I now know that there’s a time & a place for how we dress; that time is whenever and that place is wherever. I pay my bills. I manage my pain. I tuck my kids in bed at night. I cringe at this photo, but if you’re widowed (and still reading 😆) My hope is you give yourself permission to do what you want & not what you think you should be doing. No one should ever have to relinquish hope, lay down, & wait to die. You’re going to grieve anyways, so you might as well do it your way. 🌅🧡

I’m starting a podcast this year!

What should I talk about? Interview? I also need a name! Comment or DM me your questions/thoughts! 🎙🥰

Saying Your Name.

Scotty,

It’s nice to just say your name.
.
After two years, the expectation is for me to slide your name into a photo album, tuck it on a shelf in between the baby books, and not take it out again until my guests have left. Until I’m an old woman, riddled with dementia, rocking in my chair. With grand kids asking, “Who is Grandma talking about?”, it will be ok to say your name then.
.
But to use it now, for some, is like using a curse word.
.
Two years ago, a faceless demon reached its arm through a sunlit sky, plucked me from my happy, delusional life, and by the wrist, threw me like a fidget spinner into treacherous waters. Bobbing in the ocean, I didn’t have time to cry. I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I had to save those emotions for when I built a stable enough boat. Gathering our children (who were flung into these waters too), keeping my head above water, I had to build myself a fucking boat, while on the verge of drowning.
.
And it’s occurred to me that I must have something built now…
Because all I can do is finally cry.
.
You loved to talk about our second date when I told you, “It’s not where you’re at, but who you’re with.” Well, I’m sitting in this boat, Scott, and I’m looking for you.
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I would have lost myself in the ocean to be with you. I would have struggled through every horrific thing this world has. With you.
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Instead, I’m doing it FOR you.
In your honor.
Alone.
.
Navigating in solitude,
I’ve seen ugliness.
And I thank you for shielding me from the monsters.
I’ve made hard decisions.
And I thank you for always being my partner.
I’ve experienced others’ selfishness.
And I thank you for valuing me in a world of users.
.
To spend 12 years building something, in a world that only knows how to destroy things, I refuse to let this destroy what you and I started. I will row on with this disfigured heart of mine. I will find our family an island, and I will say your name to everyone there.
.
Scott Lawrence Bajorek – you made me so proud, and I don’t care who it intimidates. I will never be quiet about that. In fact, I think I’ll paint it on this boat.
.
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I love you.
-Me