Category: Drinking

Dirty Healing: A Turning Point. Letting Go of What No Longer Serves Us.

I recorded this 2 years ago before heading into a writer’s conference. It makes me cringe 😬

It also serves as a reminder to how much I’ve grown, how many times I get back up after failing, and how much life can change (for the bad and good)…

Don’t mind me while I indulge and reflect, take what works for you and leave the rest 🙂

….

2019 was truly the worst year of my life.

Yes, we had devastation in 2016 when I’d lose my husband to a car accident on his way home from work, all while he and I talked on the phone. I would spend 2017 and 2018 trying to rebuild, thinking I was close, but later learning that it was an illusion.

Once the trial came in 2019, nothing could’ve prepared me for what I would experience. A spiritual pain so real that it manifested itself physically in an instant. Agony. Right there in the court room, feeling every nerve in my body scream in pain and willing myself not to pass out.

Still, playing “tough guy”, after it was all over, I would insist that I was fine.

I was not fine.

I went on a war path.

I bleached all color from of my hair. (Screaming inside)

I jumped into a relationship with someone who ended up being not right for me and not what I stand for. (Screaming inside again.)

I remodeled my house, allowing someone to demolish walls in my basement and wreak complete havoc on my home.

I heavily drank, telling myself it was ok because it was only wine. My bills were paid. My kids were healthy. I’ve been through a lot and if I didn’t deserve to drink, who did? But that would get to be too much also.

I grew obsessed with becoming financially successful in real estate. A career that I once chose, as a single mom, in order to work my own schedule for my kids.. started to completely consume me. I was working 14 hour days showing houses, writing offers, driving everywhere, recording videos, sending marketing material. Losing sleep over transactions.

While I’d forgiven Daniel Tobey (yes, I have. Another blog for another day), I could not get over the callous ways of his defense team. I wanted them to see my face on a billboard and know that they didn’t “get to me”. My anger fueled my ambition, which wouldn’t be bad if it weren’t fueling me in the wrong direction.

And I have to admit that I still hope they remember Scott’s name forever. I hope they never forget my face in that courtroom, and some day, when my daughter, Sophia, who’s life’s mission is to become a judge, becomes one, I hope these attorneys have to stand before her, and oh, I hope she gives them Hell.

I digress though.

It all came crashing down in September 2019. After a series of very difficult events, I had something stop the record completely. Screech. Yet again.

Every belief that I’d ever had was shook. I think it’s what they call: a paradigm shift.

I was now upside down from my upside down, and it was only then that I realized I wasn’t healing as deeply as I needed to be.

I once wrote on my blog about building a beautiful castle (The Lonely Castle) around the hole in the land that was my heart; I didn’t realize that while building a castle is wonderful, admirable, and eventually necessary, some times we need to sink our fists, elbow deep into the soil and find our way to the other side of the earth, of our world that’s been flipped.

And while I won’t waiver from the need for mindset work, healing is not always as easy as a workout routine and positive affirmations. At some point, we have to get our hands dirty. Look at ourselves with honesty and ask what really needs to be done. Ask ourselves the questions we’ve been scared to say aloud.

One thing that I’ve realized is that when we finally decide to get honest with ourselves, God will literally move mountains to help. Two years ago, I was recording this video still very lost, trying to “come back”, but I still had so much dirty, gritty healing to do. So many questions I still needed to answer to myself. I wouldn’t know the rewards that were to come as a result of it all.

▪️2 years after this video (a turning in my healing journey),

▪️Almost 3 years after the trial,

▪️5 years after the tragic loss of Scott,

Today…

I am closer to my children, in a loving, healthy relationship to Mike, someone who continually surprises me with his depth of character; a step mom to Myles, and expecting a baby within weeks. 🤰

My anxiety and depression is balanced out. I’m not medicating. I respond instead of react. I am in the moment instead of somewhere else.

( And my hair is better too 🙂)

It’s amazing how life can change for the good just as fast as it does for the bad.

And while I fought God so hard on this for the last few years, I am ready to say that I am letting go of real estate. It doesn’t serve me. It wasn’t meant for me. I used it to fuel an unhealthy side of my heart, and it’s time to move on.

Life will have us white knuckle gripping the edge of a cliff. Sometimes it is for a moment. Sometimes it is for years. Just dangling and THINKING of ways we can get over this ledge. For me, my mind was determined to utilize real estate (and other things) to boost me up over it. God wants us to stop thinking and start praying. When we pray to God and are open to His answer, we realize that there’s no need to hold on to that cliff. Because maybe our feet are able to touch the ground the whole time? Or.. maybe we can fly?

So that’s why I am letting go 🦅

Thank you for reading this far!

Some of you have followed and supported me before our life became a local headline. Some of you right around that time. Some of you just started. And I am just ever so grateful for each of you. ❤️

I hope you all have lovely day, and if you feel compelled to, follow my blog and support me on social media (Click here for either)

Remember: Life is hard whether you live it to the fullest or not. Might as well live.

Big love, Megan

Bystander in a Bar Fight: Independent Lady in this Election 

This is not a unique thought. It’s probably been written already. I wouldn’t know because I’ve been doing my best to avoid political opinions. But eh, it’s my blog, and I’m feeling a certain sort of something about politics right now; mostly, underrepresented, so I’m going write it out…

Holy smokes – anger, anger, anger. That’s all I’m seeing in the political realm. Anger that Trump was elected. Anger toward liberals who show disappointment in the election. Yikes.

My personal disappointment came several months ago when each party nominated two of the most morally inept candidates that I could have thought up. Therefore, going into the election, I was deeply sad that either way we’d have someone who physically turned my stomach.


 A rude, misogynistic bully or a sneaky, criminal career politician representing us. 

What I’ve come to terms with these last six months: Either way, the president is just a figure head. People were just as scared of Bush second term – and there was another group on the other side of the spectrum extremely frightened of President Obama. Like I said, a figure head (politically fancy term for mascot). Unfortunately, our mascot sucks right now. That doesn’t change anything about our every day life.

 It really doesn’t.

If your life was easy before, it will be easy now. If it was difficult before, it’s still going to be difficult. What makes a difference in your day-to-day life? Investing in the people closest to you.

Starting with our homes and moving to our communities – Let’s work to improve and stabilize what’s around us, and then, let us watch our lives bloom regardless of the mascot living miles away. 

Even before we work to improve our home situation or our community, we must work to improve our mindsets. Hate and bitterness is not productive. Positive blooms only within positive. 

With that, I’ll end this in a Mother Teresa quote (because no one can argue with her 😊)

Big love, Meg

The Fantasy of a New Widow

I wish I could take up a drinking habit. I fantasize about it often these days.

Not the kind of habit where I go out with friends, get hammered, and hit the drive thru on the way home; All of us laughing, listening to Rihanna songs.

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No.

I want the nastiest most painful vodka. I want to be alone with my misery. I want to be alone and lose my mind. My eyes smeared of mascara, my hair greasy and unwashed… This is the fantasy I have for myself. A drinking habit.

It can’t happen though.

I have little people looking to me for guidance through this confusing time. I have dear loved ones watching me, ready to catch me… and I really don’t want anyone to have to catch me.

I also have a belated husband who took great pride in my happiness. So I have to be happy. I have to wash my hair and drink coffee. I have to cry into a glass of good wine before going to bed early because the kids wake up for school in the morning. For him, I have to find happy.

But I really want vodka.

 

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