Dirty Healing: A Turning Point. Letting Go of What No Longer Serves Us.

I recorded this 2 years ago before heading into a writer’s conference. It makes me cringe 😬

It also serves as a reminder to how much I’ve grown, how many times I get back up after failing, and how much life can change (for the bad and good)…

Don’t mind me while I indulge and reflect, take what works for you and leave the rest 🙂

….

2019 was truly the worst year of my life.

Yes, we had devastation in 2016 when I’d lose my husband to a car accident on his way home from work, all while he and I talked on the phone. I would spend 2017 and 2018 trying to rebuild, thinking I was close, but later learning that it was an illusion.

Once the trial came in 2019, nothing could’ve prepared me for what I would experience. A spiritual pain so real that it manifested itself physically in an instant. Agony. Right there in the court room, feeling every nerve in my body scream in pain and willing myself not to pass out.

Still, playing “tough guy”, after it was all over, I would insist that I was fine.

I was not fine.

I went on a war path.

I bleached all color from of my hair. (Screaming inside)

I jumped into a relationship with someone who ended up being not right for me and not what I stand for. (Screaming inside again.)

I remodeled my house, allowing someone to demolish walls in my basement and wreak complete havoc on my home.

I heavily drank, telling myself it was ok because it was only wine. My bills were paid. My kids were healthy. I’ve been through a lot and if I didn’t deserve to drink, who did? But that would get to be too much also.

I grew obsessed with becoming financially successful in real estate. A career that I once chose, as a single mom, in order to work my own schedule for my kids.. started to completely consume me. I was working 14 hour days showing houses, writing offers, driving everywhere, recording videos, sending marketing material. Losing sleep over transactions.

While I’d forgiven Daniel Tobey (yes, I have. Another blog for another day), I could not get over the callous ways of his defense team. I wanted them to see my face on a billboard and know that they didn’t “get to me”. My anger fueled my ambition, which wouldn’t be bad if it weren’t fueling me in the wrong direction.

And I have to admit that I still hope they remember Scott’s name forever. I hope they never forget my face in that courtroom, and some day, when my daughter, Sophia, who’s life’s mission is to become a judge, becomes one, I hope these attorneys have to stand before her, and oh, I hope she gives them Hell.

I digress though.

It all came crashing down in September 2019. After a series of very difficult events, I had something stop the record completely. Screech. Yet again.

Every belief that I’d ever had was shook. I think it’s what they call: a paradigm shift.

I was now upside down from my upside down, and it was only then that I realized I wasn’t healing as deeply as I needed to be.

I once wrote on my blog about building a beautiful castle (The Lonely Castle) around the hole in the land that was my heart; I didn’t realize that while building a castle is wonderful, admirable, and eventually necessary, some times we need to sink our fists, elbow deep into the soil and find our way to the other side of the earth, of our world that’s been flipped.

And while I won’t waiver from the need for mindset work, healing is not always as easy as a workout routine and positive affirmations. At some point, we have to get our hands dirty. Look at ourselves with honesty and ask what really needs to be done. Ask ourselves the questions we’ve been scared to say aloud.

One thing that I’ve realized is that when we finally decide to get honest with ourselves, God will literally move mountains to help. Two years ago, I was recording this video still very lost, trying to “come back”, but I still had so much dirty, gritty healing to do. So many questions I still needed to answer to myself. I wouldn’t know the rewards that were to come as a result of it all.

▪️2 years after this video (a turning in my healing journey),

▪️Almost 3 years after the trial,

▪️5 years after the tragic loss of Scott,

Today…

I am closer to my children, in a loving, healthy relationship to Mike, someone who continually surprises me with his depth of character; a step mom to Myles, and expecting a baby within weeks. 🤰

My anxiety and depression is balanced out. I’m not medicating. I respond instead of react. I am in the moment instead of somewhere else.

( And my hair is better too 🙂)

It’s amazing how life can change for the good just as fast as it does for the bad.

And while I fought God so hard on this for the last few years, I am ready to say that I am letting go of real estate. It doesn’t serve me. It wasn’t meant for me. I used it to fuel an unhealthy side of my heart, and it’s time to move on.

Life will have us white knuckle gripping the edge of a cliff. Sometimes it is for a moment. Sometimes it is for years. Just dangling and THINKING of ways we can get over this ledge. For me, my mind was determined to utilize real estate (and other things) to boost me up over it. God wants us to stop thinking and start praying. When we pray to God and are open to His answer, we realize that there’s no need to hold on to that cliff. Because maybe our feet are able to touch the ground the whole time? Or.. maybe we can fly?

So that’s why I am letting go 🦅

Thank you for reading this far!

Some of you have followed and supported me before our life became a local headline. Some of you right around that time. Some of you just started. And I am just ever so grateful for each of you. ❤️

I hope you all have lovely day, and if you feel compelled to, follow my blog and support me on social media (Click here for either)

Remember: Life is hard whether you live it to the fullest or not. Might as well live.

Big love, Megan

The 5 Year Anniversary of Your Death: 5 Things that I’ve Learned Since

It’s not how long we live but how well we live that matters.

Seneca

5 Things that I’ve Learned in the 5 Years Since You’ve Been Gone…

1. Anger gives us energy. It will be your greatest fuel in the times you need it. It serves a purpose, but if we allow it to fuel us for too long, it will turn into other things. Like bitterness. Anger is good. Bitter is not. And only your spirit knows when it’s time to let go.

2. Justice is an illusion in this world. It is not a power that the flawed human being can carry out. And while we will never witness true justice here on earth, there is one force that can deliver it. I have made peace with this and fully trust God to know something that I don’t and to deliver what He sees fit.

3. Forgiveness is a letting go of control of outcome and of other people’s choices. That’s all I know for sure about that.

4. People will use others’ tragedies for a lot of things… clout, agenda, salicious gossip. One thing I’ve seen the most of though is distraction; we, as people, become caught up in others’ tragedies or problems to distract us from dealing with our own life’s tragedies, problems, and issues. Healing ourselves should always be the goal – before we could ever hope to help others.

5. Loneliness is the biggest threat to the soul. When we are lonely, our souls attract dark, dingy energies. I.e. We attract bad people. Ironically enough, the only cure to loneliness is being alone. Learning to enjoy our own company and getting to know ourselves is the only way to defeat this extreme danger to our soul.

**It should be noted that I could never have come to these conclusions had I not had the experience of being married to Scott. I could not love again without having loved and been loved by him. I could not enjoy life the way that I do now had he not lived the way that he did. The guilt I once felt for this has now turned into immense gratitude. And I write about this in my next blog, but while I have learned so much since this loss, I also learned a lot while he was here too. 

If you feel so compelled to share, please do. What’s mine is yours. Take what works and leave the rest.

Big love,

Megan

Smoking is a Symptom of Mindset: My Quitting Story

It was a not-so-secret, secret.

I tried hiding it in photos, but it’d show up here and there.

If you asked me then, I would tell you that I wasn’t a smoker.

I’d say it was only when I drank.

I’d say it was only because I worked in the service industry.

I’d point out that at least I didn’t smoke while I was pregnant.

At least it was not in front of the kids.

I’m probably going to die from cancer anyways.

“I like smoking. I enjoy it.”

“I can quit any time.”

And I sort of did quit after my son was born in 2014, but if I drank, one would soon find me outside, socializing the smoker’s circle.

Then, tragedy hit my life in a way that no one could’ve foreseen. It still takes my breath away to stop and think about it. Within hours, I had a Marlboro Light in between my fingers. I didn’t even try to hide it. Parents. Kids. Whatever. No disappointment or disdain from the outside could ever come close to the anguish I felt. I hurt so deeply that I yearned to be in control of that pain.

Smoking was a symptom of this mindset.

It was a killing of myself with the slow death of tobacco. The bottom fell out of my life, I had been repeatedly forced into silence over it, and I couldn’t get angry. I subconsciously hoped that the tobacco smoke could reach through the rabbit hole, prod my anger, and awaken the rage I needed to speak on my behalf. In time, it mellowed and evolved to where nicotine just became part of my daily routine. For three years, cigarettes were alongside my multivitamin and my morning coffee.

On August 30, 2021, I will be two years cigarette free. Cold turkey.

Addiction is insidious. And I’ve learned so much about its nature and myself from quitting.

What I’ve learned is that when we are addicted to something, quitting has to be our complete priority. I didn’t do anything for the first two weeks that I decided to quit (and I mean: not a thing) because I had to be hyper focused on managing my reactions and my discomfort.

I started to feel real emotions that I hadn’t felt since I was a teenager, likely because I wasn’t smoking back then. These emotions needed to be cared for in other ways. Had quitting not been my top priority, had I been busy, I would’ve got distracted and fell back into the old habits, using one of my many ways to justify it. (My favorite one being: So what if I smoke? I’m a good person. — A phrase that I loathe.)

I know that this whole thing may seem like a self serving pat on the back, and yeah, I suppose I do want to give myself a shout outdoor waking up from denial and taking the time and energy to do this.

But I also write this to throw myself to the wolves. Feeling very exposed and nervous in revealing such an ugly part of me. But it’s there… and I want to help you if you feel the ugly parts of you have too much control.

August 30, 2019 to present day have not been a walk in the park. Aside from 2020, there were several outside events that stopped me in my tracks; like you, the stresses that I’ve been met with in my life are way more than what’s posted on social media. Nearly immediately after I decided to quit smoking, I was met with an extreme, life changing occurrence. A stress that I never imagined for myself. And in the weak and quiet moments of the evening, while I was alone, I could hear the devil on my shoulder whisper, “You deserve a smoke. Just one pack to keep on the fridge like Grandma did.”

I was a lie though.

I didn’t deserve to kill myself slowly. None of us do. We deserve vitality. We deserve clean lungs and proof to ourself that our minds are stronger than the demons rooting for us to lead with reckless ugliness.

Most importantly, we deserve to feel our emotions. Not to numb or distract ourself. We deserve to process feelings and memories, and personally, two years out, I can say I’ve never looked back.

Whatever you are struggling with right now (and I know there’s something because there always is in life), please know that to know me, is to have me in your corner. You got this.

Big love,

Megan

25 Famous People who Battled with Learning in School

➡️ Steven Spielberg was 2 grades behind his peers. Some of his administrators called him lazy.

➡️ Pulitzer Prize-winning author and poet, Phillip Schultz, did not learn to read until he was 11 years old.

➡️ John Irving, author of Cider House Rules, which was later adapted into a movie, was dyslexic and in the remedial spelling group.

➡️ Science journalist, Garrett Cook, a Pulitzer Prize winner, cannot write by hand nor read aloud.

➡️ Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon, presidential candidate, and U. S. Secretary of Housing and Urban development was considered the “dumbest” kid in his 5th grade class.

➡️ Helen Taussig, a leading pediatric cardiologist of the 21st century, was considered “mentally retarded” by some of her teachers.

➡️ Channing Tatum was in special education.

➡️ Diane Swonk, an economic advisor on the Federal Reserve board, does not know left from right, couldn’t memorize her times tables, add a column of numbers, or read a speech.

➡️ Charles Schwabb the CEO of the the largest brokerage firm in the U. S. flunked English twice and was dyslexic.

➡️ Shark Tank’s Barbara Corcoran graduated high school with a D average.

➡️ Billionaire Richard Branson was called stupid and lazy all of his life.

➡️ Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps, lives with ADHD and was told he’d never be successful.

➡️ Vince Vaughn had learning disabilities throughout school and was in special education classes.

➡️ Screenwriter, inventor, professor, and one of Time Magazines 100 Most Influential people, Temple Grandin, has autism.

➡️ Robert Toth, a Smithsonian artist, failed 4th grade three times and didn’t learn to read until he was 12.

➡️ Tommy Hilfiger struggled with reading and writing in school.

➡️ Public motivational speaker and radio host, Les Brown, was called the “dumb twin” and deemed “uneducable” and “mentally retarded”.

➡️ Bram Cohen, founder of groundbreaking data sharing network: BitTorrent, has Asperger’s.

➡️ David Neeleman, founder of JetBlue, has ADD and could not pass standardized testing in school.

➡️ Shark Tank’s Daymond John has dyslexia.

➡️ PGA Champion Golfer, John E. Morgan was bullied throughout his school age for his learning disabilities.

➡️ The CEO of the Cleveland Clinic had learning troubles in school.

➡️ David Goggins, ultra marathon runner and the only member of the U.S. armed forces ever to complete training as a Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Air Force Tactical Air Controller, could barely read as a teenager.

➡️ The first athlete ever to win perfect 10s in a World Championship, 4 time gold medalist, Greg Louganis, was in special education.

➡️ Steve Jobs was dyslexic and dropped out of college.

What do these facts say to you?

💥 There is no mystery person without issues who’s better than you. The person you think of right now who seems to have it all, does not.
💥 Stop comparing your beginning to someone else’s peak! You have no idea of their battles.
💥Life is not “me versus them”. It is “us vs the struggles”
💥 Do not ever let a single person, group, or system define you.
💥The world is designed to beat you into submission, forcing a resignation from you.

Don’t do it! Fight! ⚔️

You are capable of greatness. You bring value to this world as you are. Right now. Completely perfect.

I believe in you.
Go get it 😉

#youregoingtostruggleanyways #mightaswelllive

What I Wish I Would’ve Known When 1st Becoming Widowed…

To the girl who was married at 22 and widowed at 31:

I forgive you.

◾️Strangers will seek you out. Some of them will cling to you, asking you not leave them lonely. They will want you to sit in misery with them because “now you understand that life isn’t fair”, like they’ve always “known”.

◾️Some of those closest to you will either turn their backs because their own pain is too hard to manage, or they will project their own hopelessness onto you.

“How will you ever get through this?”

“You will never have love like that again”

◾️Others will prey on you and your trusting, naive heart. 🚬

▫️Some… will stay. And they will show you more kindness than you’ve ever known. A type of giving that’s so beyond abundant… You HAVE to thank God.

And you will. Every day. After every beat down. Again and again. You will get up & choose hope, trust, and gratitude.

To the girl who married her 1st boyfriend & lost him over the phone, the one who had entire years of memories blown from her brain, has PTSD flashbacks; the one who went through an excruciating court case that physically aged her in a week’s time… the one who was verbally and physically abused by lovers; the one who went through the sickness of her children, alone, medical procedures, alone, the death of 3 grandparents and a close friend, alone…

I wish you knew that everything that you ever needed was in you, not other’s words, not in accolades or alcohol. You. 💥

For what it’s worth though, I forgive you.

And I love you 💕

Photo credit: c.2017 Six months in, wondering if it’s ok to dress sexy. I now know that there’s a time & a place for how we dress; that time is whenever and that place is wherever. I pay my bills. I manage my pain. I tuck my kids in bed at night. I cringe at this photo, but if you’re widowed (and still reading 😆) My hope is you give yourself permission to do what you want & not what you think you should be doing. No one should ever have to relinquish hope, lay down, & wait to die. You’re going to grieve anyways, so you might as well do it your way. 🌅🧡

I’m starting a podcast this year!

What should I talk about? Interview? I also need a name! Comment or DM me your questions/thoughts! 🎙🥰

Why a Widow Should Love Again…

2020 fostered a new love so precious to me. Because of that, I don’t know that I can totally hate the year with everyone. 

New love

🌱

How do I love Mike so much when I love Scott?

An honest, fair and natural question. One that I’ve asked myself many times. A human experience that I prayed to have the words to explain. I am ready to try now…

Consider the many people in your own life whom you love.

Perhaps, you are a parent. Perhaps you have two, three…eight children. When you had your first child, did you not think, “How could I possibly love another human as much as this one?”

Then your second child comes, and you experience a true example of how the heart expands.

Perhaps you have brothers and sisters, and you tragically lost one. Would spending time with another sibling then be a betrayal?  

Would your living sibling be more loved or less loved than your deceased sibling? Or…

Is it just beautifully different all together?

Incomparable. Tailored to the individual. 

I grieved the loss of Scott and our future together, which you’ve read parts of. 

Later in private, I would grieve the inability to give Mike the young, innocent me, someone who didn’t come with PTSD and a grief blog. 

I know that it’s messy. It’s difficult to understand. It doesn’t fit in the framework of our minds.

But you know what else doesn’t fit in the framework of our minds? Literally anything else that fills us with wonder.

Things like… The universe.. and…God… 

Some see love as a one size fits all commodity, found on the shelves of Walmart; A coveted Tickle Me Elmo on Black Friday that if you don’t get it while supplies last, then you are left without and wanting. 

God wants you to know that…

Love is not a limited resource.

It is not material.

It is infinite.

It is expansive.

There’s no two loves alike.

It’s a galaxy within galaxies.

The act of loving exponentially creates more of it. 

So… 

To say that a #widow can’t love again, strips it of its wonder, places it in a Tyco box, and (worst of all) puts limitations on God

💜

Had I carried this limiting belief that love wasn’t possible for me again, I wouldn’t be able to say that 2020 just wasn’t so bad. My kids and I wouldn’t get to experience this man, his son, and family and the beauty of falling love. God is good.  

If you feel so compelled, share this with someone who needs it.

🙏🏻

Happy New Years, friends

🌌

Big love, Megan

♥️

February “To Do” List Challenge – Week 3 Recap

Some times “Family Time” is your “To Do” …

As the snow days accumulate, kids stay home from school, I continue to fall behind in my main job of realty. Being a solo parent is no joke, and trying to maintain a business while writing and taking care of kids is stressful. It just is, and I can’t even pretend that it’s not in the slightest.

I was at my wit’s end trying to keep up with myself in Week 2 of the February “To Do” List Challenge, going into Week 3. When I said, “I give up.”

Jax’s post hockey meal of noodles.

But it wasn’t the challenge that I was giving up. Nope. I was just giving up control or any delusion of control. I literally threw my hands in the air and asked God to take over because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t for the life of me feel accomplished with anything. Spread so thin, I asked God to just handle it, while I chill.

And in doing that, I got the most amazing time with my family and friends. Some times, we get so hyper focused on goals, career, projects, having a perfect home… that we forget WHY we want all of that in the first place… To share the joy of it with others.

Today, I am so grateful for the time I was able to spend at my son’s hockey, with my 3 month old nephew, and with dear friends laughing until my stomach hurt. I was so caught up in being a bread winner that I forgot to stop and enjoy my reason why.

Has this ever happened to you? When’s the last time you had a girl’s night or just held a baby for hours in silence? Both are so amazing for the soul.

Highly recommended.

Big love,

Meg

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Also, Find my work on Love What Matters: Megan Bajorek

My February “To Do” List Challenge – Week 2 Recap

Between running my real estate business, writing, blogging, and taking care of the kids, I’ve been majorly tired at the end of the day. So forgive me for just now giving you an update. Here goes though…

Phew.

Flowers for my birthday – thanks to my kids and parents.

Week 2 is done.

I hope you all had a fun Valentine’s Day. I know that we did over here. We survived my birthday, four or so snow days, and Valentine’s Day in there too. I enjoyed using that holiday as an opportunity to tell my kids that I love them. (Yes, I do it year round too, but it’s still cute to make them feel a little extra special.) It’s definitely been a challenge to hold myself accountable this week, but I am please with my growth and how much I’m learning about myself!

What I’ve noticed is that my tendency during the day is to gravitate towards my meal prepping and eating plan. So I’ve been shaping ‘to do’ lists around that and just stripping it down so to speak. Many times, less is more – and focusing on one aspect of your life at a time is ok.

For those of you who don’t follow my personal page (Megan Bajorek), I am on a keto diet (Well, I’m on it during normal business hours… Weekends and evenings have been touch a go for a while.)

I actually lost 33 lbs doing this, and while I fell off the wagon for a period of time, I have been using this February ‘To Do’ List Challenge to help me get back on track with things like meal prepping (See left: baked cheese ‘chips’ to dip in guacamole) and even just drink my 64 oz of water. In Journalism, we learn KISS — Keep it Simple, Stupid. And that’s what I intend to do.

Other things that happened this week… I made the decision to go platinum. As in, I woke up on my birthday so depressed about the weather. It made me mad to think like this, and I said to myself: All I want today is bacon and blonde hair, and I’m going to make my dreams come true. I went out for breakfast with my mom (Bacon? Check!) Then, I drove to the hair salon, where I told my hairdresser, “Make me platinum.”

She didn’t blink twice, just recruited a partner, and got to work. (Blonde hair: Check! Check!) I will probably write more on this process next month after I go in for my second phase. For now, check out the progress that’s been made so far on the right.

What do you guys think? It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do but felt like: how dare I? Now, I’m like: why not?

How have you all been doing this month? Has it been fairly productive, despite the weather? Part of me thinks that we, as humans, were just not made to get things done in the Winter. The Winter is for hibernation…

I can get on board with that.

Big love,

Megan

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My February “To Do” List Challenge – Days 5 through 8

Week 1 is Complete!

Yes, after lots of agonizing and figuring out how I can manage this challenge, while juggling my growing career in real estate, my passion project in writing, and ensuring my three children are still fed and tended to, I think I’ve got it. Or rather, I’m getting it. Getting there.

Photo credit: Sophie, my 10 year old
  • Do not bite off more than you can chew
  • Save bigger lists for your days off
  • 1-2 items is a major accomplishment on a work day
  • utilize your lists to form habits that benefit an ultimate goal

Should I go day by day with you? Or just give you an overview? That’s always my question. For the sake of a quick read, I’ll do an overview. Plus, this challenge isn’t about the actual list. I couldn’t make that any more clear. Your list isn’t going to look like my list, and my list isn’t going to look like someone else’s; so to write about my actual tasks would not only be tedious, it would also put focus on the tasks themselves, when really we are trying focus on committing to our own word. That same word that we keep with everyone else–we are going to keep it with ourselves this month. Self care.

Moving on….

The week went a little like this:

My lists started off with four items. Four LARGE items. I stressed out in attempt to tackle these items every day – to the point where I was feeling like an absolute failure. And that’s just ridiculous! Listen, if you’re working, making a home, raising humans, or being a friend, then you’re leaving an imprint on this world, and you should NEVER feel bad because you can’t hold yourself to impossible personal standards.

I got tired. Tuesday was a pivotal day for me. (For some insight on this: View my video here. )

On Tuesday, I shaved my tasks down to three items. On a work day. And again, they were large items that would require a lot fo physical and/or mental energy. And I got mad at myself. And I learned.

In January, I wrote down and set personal as well as professional goals for myself. It occurred to me this Tuesday that I should probably utilize this challenge to perpetuate my progress toward these goals. Like, why haven’t I been doing this already? (A.D.D. much?) Every day, I will do a little something to inch towards these goals.

The key to achieving your goals is to form habits that support them, so then, it becomes second nature.

Notice how I specified “water” in parentheses, so as not to get confused and drink my ounces in vodka.

For the rest of the week (and from here on out, pending how it works), I will continue to make lists of three items, but two of those three items are going to go towards a habit that I want to form. “Drinking 64 oz of water daily” and “making my bed first thing in the morning” each have their own benefits for me personally. The third item will vary depending on the day, and there may be a fourth item on my days off. Other than that, I’m extremely comfortable with this, as it’s simple but still a challenge. Feel free to adopt my policy of building simple yet challenging habits.

You have that right.

Big love,

Meg

****Join me on my Journey on Social Media****

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Instagram: @liveforthereunion

Also, Find my work on Love What Matters: Megan Bajorek

**ANNOUNCEMENT**

FB Live!

When: Tuesday, February 12th (my birthday!) at 9PM/EST

It’s my birthday! Stop by my Facebook (Live for the Reunion) and toast with me! I will be hosting an open discussion with you about grief, my personal journey, and challenges that I face as a solo parent of grieving children. There WILL be a Q&A this time.

(For a guaranteed answer to your questions, submit them via email to: megan@liveforthereunion.com by 4pm on 2/12 – otherwise, I’ll be happy to answer as we go 🙂 ) Can’t wait to see you all!

So Simple (but Fun) Snow Day Breakfast

Ingredients:

Eggy in a Basket

3 slices Bread 

3 tbsp. Butter

3 eggs 

Cookie cutter (or use a butter knife 😉 ) 

  1. Heat griddle to med-high heat
  2. Butter each slice of bread
  3. Use cookie cutter and stamp out the center of each slice of bread (*I used a snowflake this time, but typically I just use my butter knife to cut out a circle from the center.
  4. Place hollowed bread on hot griddle, alongside the centers themselves.
  5. Crack 1 egg into the center of each slice of bread.
  6. Cook for 1 minute.
  7. Spray Cooking Spray over the tops of your “Eggy in a Basket”s in progress ( You’re going to flip them in the next step, and do not want sticking)
  8. Flip.
  9. Cook for 1-1 1/2 minutes or until the bread is golden brown
  10. Enjoy!

*This is grilled cheese minus the cheese adding some artwork. 

**Works for scrambled eggs mix too. I do that for my son, but it’s not as pretty. Still tasty and loved though!