What I Wish I Would’ve Known When 1st Becoming Widowed…

To the girl who was married at 22 and widowed at 31:

I forgive you.

◾️Strangers will seek you out. Some of them will cling to you, asking you not leave them lonely. They will want you to sit in misery with them because “now you understand that life isn’t fair”, like they’ve always “known”.

◾️Some of those closest to you will either turn their backs because their own pain is too hard to manage, or they will project their own hopelessness onto you.

“How will you ever get through this?”

“You will never have love like that again”

◾️Others will prey on you and your trusting, naive heart. 🚬

▫️Some… will stay. And they will show you more kindness than you’ve ever known. A type of giving that’s so beyond abundant… You HAVE to thank God.

And you will. Every day. After every beat down. Again and again. You will get up & choose hope, trust, and gratitude.

To the girl who married her 1st boyfriend & lost him over the phone, the one who had entire years of memories blown from her brain, has PTSD flashbacks; the one who went through an excruciating court case that physically aged her in a week’s time… the one who was verbally and physically abused by lovers; the one who went through the sickness of her children, alone, medical procedures, alone, the death of 3 grandparents and a close friend, alone…

I wish you knew that everything that you ever needed was in you, not other’s words, not in accolades or alcohol. You. 💥

For what it’s worth though, I forgive you.

And I love you 💕

Photo credit: c.2017 Six months in, wondering if it’s ok to dress sexy. I now know that there’s a time & a place for how we dress; that time is whenever and that place is wherever. I pay my bills. I manage my pain. I tuck my kids in bed at night. I cringe at this photo, but if you’re widowed (and still reading 😆) My hope is you give yourself permission to do what you want & not what you think you should be doing. No one should ever have to relinquish hope, lay down, & wait to die. You’re going to grieve anyways, so you might as well do it your way. 🌅🧡

I’m starting a podcast this year!

What should I talk about? Interview? I also need a name! Comment or DM me your questions/thoughts! 🎙🥰

Why a Widow Should Love Again…

2020 fostered a new love so precious to me. Because of that, I don’t know that I can totally hate the year with everyone. 

New love

🌱

How do I love Mike so much when I love Scott?

An honest, fair and natural question. One that I’ve asked myself many times. A human experience that I prayed to have the words to explain. I am ready to try now…

Consider the many people in your own life whom you love.

Perhaps, you are a parent. Perhaps you have two, three…eight children. When you had your first child, did you not think, “How could I possibly love another human as much as this one?”

Then your second child comes, and you experience a true example of how the heart expands.

Perhaps you have brothers and sisters, and you tragically lost one. Would spending time with another sibling then be a betrayal?  

Would your living sibling be more loved or less loved than your deceased sibling? Or…

Is it just beautifully different all together?

Incomparable. Tailored to the individual. 

I grieved the loss of Scott and our future together, which you’ve read parts of. 

Later in private, I would grieve the inability to give Mike the young, innocent me, someone who didn’t come with PTSD and a grief blog. 

I know that it’s messy. It’s difficult to understand. It doesn’t fit in the framework of our minds.

But you know what else doesn’t fit in the framework of our minds? Literally anything else that fills us with wonder.

Things like… The universe.. and…God… 

Some see love as a one size fits all commodity, found on the shelves of Walmart; A coveted Tickle Me Elmo on Black Friday that if you don’t get it while supplies last, then you are left without and wanting. 

God wants you to know that…

Love is not a limited resource.

It is not material.

It is infinite.

It is expansive.

There’s no two loves alike.

It’s a galaxy within galaxies.

The act of loving exponentially creates more of it. 

So… 

To say that a #widow can’t love again, strips it of its wonder, places it in a Tyco box, and (worst of all) puts limitations on God

💜

Had I carried this limiting belief that love wasn’t possible for me again, I wouldn’t be able to say that 2020 just wasn’t so bad. My kids and I wouldn’t get to experience this man, his son, and family and the beauty of falling love. God is good.  

If you feel so compelled, share this with someone who needs it.

🙏🏻

Happy New Years, friends

🌌

Big love, Megan

♥️